OMG! I am so freaking frazzled I want to scream, but nothing will come out.  I want to cry but can’t shed a tear.  What is causing these feelings?  I have no idea.  Last time I wrote, it was about my anxiety and depression.  This week has been an intense battle with my depression.  Is it the holidays that is making me feel this way?  Um, I don’t think so.  I have never been a big fan of Christmas, not even as a child.  I had decent presents, especially for there being 7 children in the house.  We would decorate a live tree, bake cookies, hang stockings, the whole shebang.  But I have never enjoyed decorating the tree, watching Christmas movies or singing Christmas carols.  I mean, I dread the passing of Thanksgiving because all the “foolishness” begins.  I thought I would continue such traditions when I had children, yea, that didn’t happen.  I don’t know if I have somehow ruined my children’s youth by not following the “rules” of Christmas.  I mean,  our Christmas tree is doing good to be put up and decorated every other year.  I have always let their father have them on Christmas, so I never saw a need to put it up and take it right back down.

So what has had me in such a funk all week?  The never-ending battle of feeling like I’m not good enough.  I am forever comparing myself to others.  Most days, I do not want to get out of bed.  I have been planning how I can avoid everyone that is not necessary for the next few weeks or months.  I don’t want to be bothered by people.  The crazy thing is, it is not a fear of being judged that has me wanting to hide. It’s the fear that I don’t matter, that I’m insignificant, that no one cares about me.  

Is it unrealistic to think this way?  I don’t know.  It is how I often feel.  I just want to be loved, to feel loved, to be wanted, needed, desired.  I can’t explain it.  Maybe I am asking too much of the people around me who have no clue I need validation from them.  I am not angry with anyone because that would be unfair to them.  I try to always be there for others, even without them asking, yet I have time asking for what I need from others.  I figure they should just know.  Again, I know that is unfair, but I cannot help it.

I can literally see myself going back into my shell and hiding from the world (as much as I can while still being a mother, employee, and student).  I have no one in my life that I trust with me – my emotions, my faults, my quirks.  That makes for a very lonely existence.

Luckily, I work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so I don’t have to dwell on the fact that I will be alone on what should be one of the happiest days of the year.  I can sleep the day away and hope someone brings some food into work, so I don’t have to cook.  LOL.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!