OMG! I am so freaking frazzled I want to scream, but nothing will come out. I want to cry but can’t shed a tear. What is causing these feelings? I have no idea. Last time I wrote, it was about my anxiety and depression. This week has been an intense battle with my depression. Is it the holidays that is making me feel this way? Um, I don’t think so. I have never been a big fan of Christmas, not even as a child. I had decent presents, especially for there being 7 children in the house. We would decorate a live tree, bake cookies, hang stockings, the whole shebang. But I have never enjoyed decorating the tree, watching Christmas movies or singing Christmas carols. I mean, I dread the passing of Thanksgiving because all the “foolishness” begins. I thought I would continue such traditions when I had children, yea, that didn’t happen. I don’t know if I have somehow ruined my children’s youth by not following the “rules” of Christmas. I mean, our Christmas tree is doing good to be put up and decorated every other year. I have always let their father have them on Christmas, so I never saw a need to put it up and take it right back down.
So what has had me in such a funk all week? The never-ending battle of feeling like I’m not good enough. I am forever comparing myself to others. Most days, I do not want to get out of bed. I have been planning how I can avoid everyone that is not necessary for the next few weeks or months. I don’t want to be bothered by people. The crazy thing is, it is not a fear of being judged that has me wanting to hide. It’s the fear that I don’t matter, that I’m insignificant, that no one cares about me.
Is it unrealistic to think this way? I don’t know. It is how I often feel. I just want to be loved, to feel loved, to be wanted, needed, desired. I can’t explain it. Maybe I am asking too much of the people around me who have no clue I need validation from them. I am not angry with anyone because that would be unfair to them. I try to always be there for others, even without them asking, yet I have time asking for what I need from others. I figure they should just know. Again, I know that is unfair, but I cannot help it.
I can literally see myself going back into my shell and hiding from the world (as much as I can while still being a mother, employee, and student). I have no one in my life that I trust with me – my emotions, my faults, my quirks. That makes for a very lonely existence.
Luckily, I work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so I don’t have to dwell on the fact that I will be alone on what should be one of the happiest days of the year. I can sleep the day away and hope someone brings some food into work, so I don’t have to cook. LOL.
Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!