The calendar says that spring started a couple of days ago. I am not convinced. My emotions are just a dreary as the the long, cold, bitter winter we experienced this year.
I am not even sure where I want to head with this post. I’ve been trying to write for the past few days and just haven’t been able to do so.
I started therapy. I had my first “real” session this week and my assignment is to ponder my relationships – if I want more or have I settled for how things are? This stems from my statement that I do not think that I will ever get married and that I will likely be alone/lonely after my last child leaves the house (he’s 9 and 1/2 now). Yes, I technically have people in my life that I would consider friends, but none of them are really “deep” relationships. We hangout out and have a good time, they celebrate my joyous moments and encourage me, but I don’t trust them to be there when I need them.
For example, I’m have a really difficult time right now emotionally and mentally (after something I saw on freaking Facebook, ugh). I attempted to call one person, they didn’t answer, so I have turned my phone off, making myself unavailable. Is that fair? Probably not, but at this point I don’t want to be bothered. I have someone else I could call but they don’t/won’t understand so I don’t feel like being patronized or told to “get over it.” But enough about that.
I FINALLY purchased my books to begin studying for the certified diabetes educator exam. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I know that it will benefit me and the work I am striving to do within my community, I just do not do well on big exams (and it costs a nice piece of change).
I am excited that I get to start teaching another diabetes prevention cohort on April 1st. I have to travel about 30 miniutes to Jefferson City, but I am willing to go where the need is. I have also made some wonderful connections that will help my non-profit expand its reach in the community.
So why am I a total emotional wreck? I once again feel like I’m not good enough.
My birthday is in two days. I don’t even want to be around any one on my birthday. I have zero excitement about my birthday this year. I need to shake off this funk and focus on the positive things going on in my life. (If only it were that easy.) C’est la vie.