Is it really spring?

The calendar says that spring started a couple of days ago. I am not convinced. My emotions are just a dreary as the the long, cold, bitter winter we experienced this year.

I am not even sure where I want to head with this post. I’ve been trying to write for the past few days and just haven’t been able to do so.

I started therapy. I had my first “real” session this week and my assignment is to ponder my relationships – if I want more or have I settled for how things are? This stems from my statement that I do not think that I will ever get married and that I will likely be alone/lonely after my last child leaves the house (he’s 9 and 1/2 now). Yes, I technically have people in my life that I would consider friends, but none of them are really “deep” relationships. We hangout out and have a good time, they celebrate my joyous moments and encourage me, but I don’t trust them to be there when I need them.

For example, I’m have a really difficult time right now emotionally and mentally (after something I saw on freaking Facebook, ugh). I attempted to call one person, they didn’t answer, so I have turned my phone off, making myself unavailable. Is that fair? Probably not, but at this point I don’t want to be bothered. I have someone else I could call but they don’t/won’t understand so I don’t feel like being patronized or told to “get over it.” But enough about that.

I FINALLY purchased my books to begin studying for the certified diabetes educator exam. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I know that it will benefit me and the work I am striving to do within my community, I just do not do well on big exams (and it costs a nice piece of change).

I am excited that I get to start teaching another diabetes prevention cohort on April 1st. I have to travel about 30 miniutes to Jefferson City, but I am willing to go where the need is. I have also made some wonderful connections that will help my non-profit expand its reach in the community.

So why am I a total emotional wreck? I once again feel like I’m not good enough.

My birthday is in two days. I don’t even want to be around any one on my birthday. I have zero excitement about my birthday this year. I need to shake off this funk and focus on the positive things going on in my life. (If only it were that easy.) C’est la vie.

Bah Humbug

OMG! I am so freaking frazzled I want to scream, but nothing will come out.  I want to cry but can’t shed a tear.  What is causing these feelings?  I have no idea.  Last time I wrote, it was about my anxiety and depression.  This week has been an intense battle with my depression.  Is it the holidays that is making me feel this way?  Um, I don’t think so.  I have never been a big fan of Christmas, not even as a child.  I had decent presents, especially for there being 7 children in the house.  We would decorate a live tree, bake cookies, hang stockings, the whole shebang.  But I have never enjoyed decorating the tree, watching Christmas movies or singing Christmas carols.  I mean, I dread the passing of Thanksgiving because all the “foolishness” begins.  I thought I would continue such traditions when I had children, yea, that didn’t happen.  I don’t know if I have somehow ruined my children’s youth by not following the “rules” of Christmas.  I mean,  our Christmas tree is doing good to be put up and decorated every other year.  I have always let their father have them on Christmas, so I never saw a need to put it up and take it right back down.

So what has had me in such a funk all week?  The never-ending battle of feeling like I’m not good enough.  I am forever comparing myself to others.  Most days, I do not want to get out of bed.  I have been planning how I can avoid everyone that is not necessary for the next few weeks or months.  I don’t want to be bothered by people.  The crazy thing is, it is not a fear of being judged that has me wanting to hide. It’s the fear that I don’t matter, that I’m insignificant, that no one cares about me.  Invisible-Doug-Liman-VR-Series-1920x1080-32fv9i5xkp649cc6u2t6h6

Is it unrealistic to think this way?  I don’t know.  It is how I often feel.  I just want to be loved, to feel loved, to be wanted, needed, desired.  I can’t explain it.  Maybe I am asking too much of the people around me who have no clue I need validation from them.  I am not angry with anyone because that would be unfair to them.  I try to always be there for others, even without them asking, yet I have time asking for what I need from others.  I figure they should just know.  Again, I know that is unfair, but I cannot help it.

I can literally see myself going back into my shell and hiding from the world (as much as I can while still being a mother, employee, and student).  I have no one in my life that I trust with me – my emotions, my faults, my quirks.  That makes for a very lonely existence.

Luckily, I work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so I don’t have to dwell on the fact that I will be alone on what should be one of the happiest days of the year.  I can sleep the day away and hope someone brings some food into work, so I don’t have to cook.  LOL.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!

Mental Health Problem? Yeah, right.

As a nurse, while I work on a primarily medical-surgical unit, I still have to deal with patients who have mental health issues, because as you can guess, one cannot separate themselves at will from their mental health issues.  One of the problems with mental health is there are typically no outside signs of the disease because it’s primarily internal.  I am by no means a psych expert and am trying to learn more about this area.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for over 10 years.  This post was triggered by an episode I had over the weekend.  It took me by surprise because it should have been a happy time in my life.  My son’s football banquet was on Sunday and he earned a varsity letter and I was ecstatic.  We got news that he got accepted to one of the colleges that he applied to.  Again, I was happy (despite that not being my first choice of colleges for him).  But I got home and had that gnawing sharp pain in my chest that I am all too familiar with – I was having an anxiety attack.  But why?  That’s what I seem to ask myself most of the time because I genuinely do not know what I am subconsciously stressing about.  There are high stress times that I have my anxiety attacks and I can usually get out of it a lot faster.  When I don’t know the cause, like this past weekend, it lasts a day or so dealing with breath-taking intense chest pain, fear of going to sleep, and praying it doesn’t turn into a migraine.  Then I’m completely drained for a few days afterwards.

Here’s my back story.  A year or so after I had my first child, I kept feeling like I was having a hard attack, which then made me paranoid to fall asleep, thinking I might die in my sleep and my son would be all alone.  After several trips to the emergency room and have EKGs and stress test done and being treating for heartburn, it was determined that I was experiencing panic/anxiety attacks.  The solution – anxiety meds.  So, fast forward to the present, I still struggle with my anxiety and depression.  Add in there a component of OCD – I get fixated on things and it is a struggle to force my brain to quit thinking about it, which adds to my frustration.

Over all the years I have dealt with this, not once has a doctor suggested a psychiatrist or psychologist.  I have met with counselors in the past that I have found to be ineffective or a waste of my time, but I probably really do need to talk to someone.  I’ve been on and off meds over the years, currently off them, as I feel like I don’t need them all the time.  Writing is a healthy/safe outlet for me, as I can share exactly how I am feeling and not be judged for the way I feel or perceive things.  I am often obsessed with what others think of me. Since I was a little girl, I have always felt unloved/unlovable, never felt like I was good enough, and wishing I had never been born.  While I have never attempted suicide, I sure have felt like it was the best option as I felt like my children would be better off without me and that no one would even notice I was gone.  While I know that is not true, it doesn’t stop the thoughts.

I have posted all of this because no matter how hard I try to keep it together, I don’t have it all together.  As a nurse, I always encourage my patients to seek the help they need, which at times is difficult because when there are budget cuts, mental health services are often the first to get cut.  I wish there was a magic pill that would cure mental health diseases but unfortunately, that will likely never happen.  In the meantime, I just hope that society would be more understanding that people who have mental health issues are not attention seeking and that they can’t always put a smile on their face and act like everything is okay.  Some days it is a chore to get out of the bed and try to function as a “normal” person.  I hope that we can quit being so quick to judge.  Even if you don’t understand what someone is experiencing, being available to listen sometimes makes a world of difference.