One would think that if you had a lot of positive things happening, you would be happy. WRONG!!! While I know that happiness comes from within, I can’t help but still look for it to come from others. No matter how many “things” I accomplish or do, nothing ever seems to be enough. I know I should not be seeking validation from others, yet, I still do. I get sad by only getting 10 likes on my profile pics on social media, or 10 views on my business page posts, or no one signing up for my events. I often feel I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, a good mother, or studious enough (despite having a 4.0 GPA in graduate school and being invited to two honor societies).
From my previous posts, you know that I have struggled with my self-esteem my entire life. I have always thought that if I try harder, maybe they will like me more or treat me better. If I don’t say how I feel, people will want to be around me. If I make really good grades, people will think I’m smart and will listen to what I have to say. If I lose 20 more pounds, maybe I will finally be attractive enough for someone to ask out on a date. The saddest part of all of this is that most people probably don’t think about me to give much thought to how I look, feel, or even exist. I put so much thought into what others think of me, and I am probably not even worthy of a thought. While I’m out here trying to please other people at the expense of making myself happy, they are living their lives. I am stuck in this place where I will never be good enough. I genuinely try to be a positive influence on those I come in contact with because I am a nurturer and giver by nature. I just wish that sometimes someone would pour back into me once in a while. I often feel alone and lonely. I know it is not anyone’s responsibility to make me happy, but it would be nice to feel appreciated once in a while.
I am trying to figure out a way to stop the negative thoughts, but I can’t seem to do so. I have no clue how long I have been off anxiety meds, but I really do not want to get back on them. I have not had any luck finding a therapist. I sometimes wonder if a therapist would even be able to help. I find myself spiraling downward again but want to stop before I spiral too far out of control where I am paralyzed with anxiety. I do not want to return to frequent panic attacks. I just want to get to a point where I like me and am okay with who I am. I cannot control what others think of me or how they treat me. I can only control how I respond. I just want to make my mind stop working overtime.